Yesterday was hard. But I had my helmet on and I did okay. This is largely due to the fact that we spent most of the day in the car on our way back from a really fun and beautiful wedding...my head was pounding and I am lucky that I didn't throw up in the McDonalds in Maryland. Or on the side of the road. I was worried about that. After returning home (and a glorious nap), we went to the garden where we found little drops of sunshine by the cross...presents from friends who were thinking about us. It really cheered me up. The rest of the evening was spent catching up on DVR and lounging around. It was peaceful. Not exactly the Mother's Day I had envisioned, but I think I am beginning to accept more of the reality of what has happened to us. It is what it is.
A friend of mine sent me (and some other baby loss mamas) a video that tugged at my heartstrings, entitled "What Makes a Mother?". Good question. I have been mourning what I thought makes a mother...changing diapers, cleaning up spit-up, singing lullabies, nursing, and rocking a baby to sleep. I realized though, that what makes a mother (or a father) is so much more than this. It is caring about someone else's well-being above your own. Nurturing and caring for another. Making hard decisions in one's best interest. When it comes down to it, I believe it boils down to one simple word: love. Mother love. Father love. There is nothing stronger on this earth. I have experienced this love and it has forever changed me. I hope that one day, we will be blessed with more children to share our love with. But, for now, I must find peace and contentment in the love we shared as a family in the 35 hours Callie blessed this earth, the love that she shines down upon me, the love I continue to have for her, the deep, strong love in our marriage, and God's love.
**Guess what? Callie was with us this weekend. In the picture above, we saw the most beautiful sunset...which always reminds me of Callie. When my friend, Elizabeth, stepped back to look at the picture she had taken, she pointed out the little sunburst on John's shoulder...right where he has a tattoo of Callie's initials. Crazy, beautiful, love.**