Today was hard. Really hard. Today, I find myself feeling all the things I thought I would feel yesterday and the day before. Guilt. Anger. Jealousy. Sorrow, beyond belief. Remember "the shoulds"? I've got a particularly bad case of them today. I'm doing things I know will make me cry...on purpose. Looking at pictures of babies. Checking out the photos of pregnant celebs. Reading stories of miracle babies that survived despite the odds. Why am I doing this? It's sick really.
And there is nothing that anyone can do or say to make it better. Today is just one of those days. I think self-torture in the form of photos, stories, and Facebook status hell is part of the process, I guess. Or at least it's part of my process.
In an effort to find something good in this day, I thought I'd share a video about the triumphs of a blind and wheel-chair bound young man that my Grandmom emailed to me today. It made me cry, in a good way, and I'm so glad she shared it with me. I felt an instant connection with Patrick's dad when he described his feelings at his son's birth when they discovered that he was born with no eyes. He was shocked and he and his wife mourned for the dream of the baby that they had hoped for. I know that feeling. But they got over it. And I'm so glad that they did, because their son is a true gift from God. They encouraged him to pursue his amazing musical talents and helped him look for the good in his situation. As Patrick says, it's more about his "abilities" than his "disabilities"- he talks about his talents and gifts like he is the most blessed person in the world! He is truly inspirational...and his father, well I think he may just be my hero.
After watching this video I realized that I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things I don't have right now. And I think that is natural and completely understandable in my situation. Patrick, however, helped me open my eyes to all that I do have. My angel baby may not be here with me right now. And I don't have her in my arms and I can't do all the mommy things I want to do at the moment...but I do have an amazing husband and fantastic friends and family. My heart is beating, my legs can move, and my eyes can see...all those simple things we take for granted. Today, I spent a lot of time thinking about my empty places, but thanks to Patrick, I am going to do my best to turn my thoughts to the places inside of me that are full...full of love, full of hope, and full of life.
"...the music of possibility and the sound of promise..."