It's been a little while since I've written, but so much has transpired... It's a girl! Baby #3, our third girl, has worked her way into my heart like I had faith that she would.
But she is a little girl.
Our most recent visit to the maternal fetal specialist left us in tears. Our second little rainbow isn't growing like she should. She's lagging behind and increasing our doctor's worry about her well-being. He doesn't know what is going on. All of our tests have been normal so far. She looks perfect in her ultrasounds. The fetal echocardiogram went well.
She's just unexplainably not growing at the pace we need her to grow.
I asked if she's just petite. He said, "No." No waiver, no doubt in his voice. Oh, that I wish there was! Could be a genetic disorder. Could be an issue with the placenta or umbilical cord. Could be inexplicable.
So now we wait. We go every two weeks to check her growth. I have to limit my activity. But mostly, we wait.
The doctor says she will be born early and small...we just don't know how early and how small.
I can't even tell you how terrifying it is to contemplate all of the different scenarios that have been laid before us right now. It would be terrifying for anyone, but it is utterly gut-wrenching after losing Callie. After holding her hand in the CICU. After telling her goodbye.
I feel so guilty for my detached feelings at the beginning of this pregnancy. Is this karma? I don't think God is that cruel. But, I can't say I'm not a little disappointed that things aren't going smoothly right now. I felt like we had earned the right somehow to not have any more bad things happen to us. Haven't we had enough?
The absolute only thing we can do right now is try to be positive. Fear and negativity will not get us anywhere. We are choosing to believe that this little girl is healthy and that she will continue to grow. We are choosing to believe that she will get to the third trimester (we are 24 weeks now)...and beyond! We WILL hold this baby. We WILL take her home from the hospital. She WILL be fine.
Please pray these things with us.
December's K4C- Please join us in doing an act of kindness in Callie's memory this month!