Sunshine has been a special symbol for me ever since Callie's death. After all, she is my sunshine angel. It is the ultimate symbol of happiness, optimism, and hope. So, why then, choose it as a symbol for something so sad? I wish I could say that I chose sunlight as a sign of my Callie, but really... it chose me. When all I felt was drabness and empty gray like the rain, the bright, burst of sunlight that was Callie's presence resulted in a rainbow in my life, one of the most beautiful (and fleeting) creations of this earth, a covenant from God. What that promise is for me, I'm not exactly sure but it is comforting nonetheless.
These sunny days have me thinking of light in all new ways. In the absence of light, what remains is darkness and shadow. Light and dark, opposites, have come to symbolize many things in poetry, art, books, etc. ... good and evil, happiness and sadness, heaven and hell. I wonder why they have to be so oppositional? Is one good while the other is bad? I think I have come to see them more as complements of each other. Like yin and yang, a balance. One exists because of the other and they are both good, important, and necessary. My feelings have times of lightness, times of darkness, and many times where they are shades of gray.
I came across a quote recently that spoke to me:
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
At Callie's memorial service our pastor pointed out the beautiful stained glass windows of the church and, in particular, the one that depicts the story of Jesus and the little children from Matthew 19:14 'Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."' He said that he will always look at that as Callie's window...and now so do we. The sparkle and shine of my old life has faded and darkness has certainly settled in around my life. In this place, there is PLENTY that I could be mad or bitter about...and trust me, I am sometimes. But, somehow that little flicker of light from my old sparkly self has kept shining. It comes from deep within and I choose to let it shine and fill me up from the inside out. Where does it come from? Love. Love of my angel baby. Love of my husband. Love of family. Of friends. Of life. That doesn't mean that I don't get cynical, sorrowful, jealous, even enraged! I certainly do. And I am learning that is ok. Those feelings ebb and flow. There are sunny days and cloudy days. And that is a part of the balance, the yin/yang, that is our lives. After all, you must have rain AND sun to make a rainbow. Rainbows make us so joyful while they are here, and so sad when they go away... they are rare, just like my Callie, but you wouldn't trade the experience of seeing one for anything in the whole, wide world.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.